Birth Control and Somatic Therapy

Let it be known that this is my own personal experience with birth control and I don’t intend to assert any beliefs upon those who may have had positive experiences with birth control. But respectfully, this isn’t for you - this is for the many women I know that have not had good experiences with it, in fact they may have gone through their lowest points while on it or are currently feeling as though they are currently depressed on it - but are afraid to get off it. I believe that my development into the woman I am today is due to the transformation I experienced in the last decade being on hormonal BC for almost half of it and coming off of it at a crucial time in my life. I will spare some of the more vulnerable details of what exactly I had endured between the time I left my hometown of Ventura, CA - where I knew everyone and felt safe, to living in Honolulu on Oahu. I didn’t know a single soul when I first moved there to attend the University of Hawaii, and for a Catholic school girl who went to school with all the same people since 4th grade, the learning curve on who to trust and how to act was sharp. But let it be known that I sure wish I wasn’t taking a pill every day that was f*cking with my hormones during some of the hardest days of my life. But I know now that the lows inform the highs, the abundance and ease in my life now are testament to my willingness to choose to do better and heal myself rather than remain complacent in my pain and trust anything other than my own intuition about what my body needs. 

 It can be reality shattering when we realize how much rapid change is possible when we are presented with an emotional state to overcome at a key time, that seemingly will have a major effect on the overall plot arch of our life story. We feel how much power and ability can be called upon when our emotions are charged and we feel pushed towards the edge of radical change. When we are in a state of mind that is telling us “this is the end of the line for this situation - we can no longer numb it out - we can no longer sit comfortably in indecision - you need to make a different choice now or you will be stuck here forever” - it feels like an electric jolt which calls us to immediate action. I don’t think we can control the timing of arriving to this state of mind, some may even frame it in their mind as “rock bottom.” Which is usually regarded in a negative light when ironically its often the turning point towards a better life for many. And just because we may know “should be” at the point where we are ready to be better, doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll truly have the fortitude or gumption to face our demons without compromising the full truth in the process until we really feel that pressure. It was during my experience being on birth control (and severely depressed as a result of it) that I came to realize harsh truths and destructive patterns could not be ignored or suppressed into oblivion, but needed to be reconciled and integrated. 

I first went on birth control when I was about 15 or 16 years old, because I was having bad acne, which of course is natural for a girl going through puberty and playing sports. I was healthy and active but dealing with the stress of my parents’ divorce, which again is extremely normal and a reality that about half (if not more) people have experienced in their youth. So truly nothing was out of the ordinary, I was having hormonal acne and painful period because I was eating like sh*t after volleyball or soccer practice everyday and washing my face with a drug store, microplastic beaded, abomination of a cleanser. But when I went to the doctor with my mom to ask about what I should do, the male doctor suggested I go on birth control to help “regulate my hormones.” I was told it would help clear my skin, make my periods less painful and protect me from unwanted pregnancy (I didn’t even have sex till I was 18 so when he said this in front of my mom I got really shy). My mom at the time wasn’t well versed in the adverse effects of birth control, and the doctor didn’t go over any possible negative side effects with me before scribbling the prescription with dollar signs in his eyes and sending us back to the front desk so she could ask us what pharmacy to send it to. There once was a time when I wished I could go back to this moment and change it, and say no to it then, when my tummy felt weird in the presence of this older doctor who kept looking at my thighs. Knowing even then that when something sounds too good to be true it usually is - but I was so desperate for my acne to go away. I just didn’t want to spend any more mornings stress crying because my Long’s drugs foundation wouldn’t cover the latest pimple that emerged overnight. If this could provide relief I was willing to try it. It didn’t clear up my skin and my periods weren’t less painful - I did however gain weight pretty quickly and had lower energy levels. What a fun turn of events right? But I kept hoping something would change and took my pill every day. Kept it in the small front zipper of my Jansport backpack. I was one of the fastest girls that tried out for the soccer team as a freshman and made the varsity team. After being on BC for just a few months I noticed that the drive I used to have that enjoyed pushing myself physically - was gone. I got slower and just generally didn’t care as much about sports or school as I once did. For that matter I was painting and reading less, the passion seemed to be leaking from me and I didn’t know what the cause was or how to fix the situation. I was missing school a lot once I got my license since I was supposed to be driving myself in the morning but wouldn’t on days I didn’t see the point in leaving bed. It was hard to watch myself slip in the areas that I used to consider my strengths as I started to set my eyes on where I wanted to go to college after my senior year and supposed to be excited instead of feeling empty. It was the time from my junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college that in retrospect I understand that I was severely depressed. Once I left home I was partying often as college kids do - and alcohol being a depressant, in combination with my birth control induced depression, while adjusting to a completely new environment was taking a major toll. A lot of bad sh*t went down.. a lot -and I was struggling to keep up with work and my classes, no longer seeing the point honestly. Which reflecting on this now it seems like such an entitled mindset to not do my best to excel when I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to be in school. But it wasn’t really me at that time, I was so numb, my body chemistry was not reacting well to suppressed ovulation and the inability to perceive the world with a pure womb space to guide me. I was taken out of college when it got really bad, to live with my dad and address where I was at mentally, figuring out what needed to happen for me to feel better. So I went to the doctor again, this time for my depression. My dad I weren’t really sure where to start and the awkward tension of being taken care of by my dad as a fledgling adult had me once again desperate for a solution. It was the same doctor that prescribed me my birth control, this time he suggested I stacked my BC with an anti-depressant. But this time my tummy didn’t whisper something was wrong - she screamed, the intuition was unable to be bypassed and I told the doctor no. I said I would try going off of birth control and see how I felt - he warned me against this saying if I was sexually active it would put me at greater risk of unwanted pregnancy. I told him as a recent college drop out with very little will to live that getting pregnant wasn’t #1 on the top of my list of worries. I was accepting that this was going to be a bottom up solution that I was going to have to formulate myself.  I had been completely dissociated from the things I had seen and felt. I was unaware of how much emotion was being stored in my body. Making me feel as though I wasn’t fully alive. But removed from my body, I understood that the heaviness wasn’t mine to hold, it seemed more like an illness that I couldn’t shake by trying to logic my way through it. Within my body it felt like a lead weight in my chest. I knew I needed to move through these waves of shutting down, not by continuing to avoid what was trying to come through because it was overwhelming, but instead by physically addressing where I was hurting. 

At the beginning this choice felt forced, because it was forced -  that incredible heaviness was extremely foreign to begin moving around in my body while processing these memories. It was uncomfortable and messy, sometimes I would need to sit with myself quietly with a hand on my heart and cry. Other times I needed to dance until I was sweating and my neck hurt just to let my anger out to music that was made exactly for that reason. It made me feel dramatic at first, I questioned what I thought was to be accomplished with these seemingly self-indulgent practices. But slowly I began to see what was happening, I would catch myself humming to myself and wanting to cook more. I had energy in the mornings again which reminded me of being a kid. I wanted to be outside more because the colors seemed brighter somehow. I felt like every night that I breathed in and out allowing memories to come and go, remembering to feel into my body as it is now, not then, to feel the safety of now, and not the pain of then - I brought myself closer to peace. I became more sensitive to what I needed to feel grounded by being more attentive to where I felt reactions in my body when I was reminded of a feeling I have been suppressing. Forgiving myself for being hypervigilant and for becoming tense in certain situations due to my past experiences. Moving increasingly quickly from that forgiveness to taking up the personal responsibility to bring my body and my sensations back into the present moment. 

I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing, or if there was really a name for it, back then I really just considered it my secret backyard time lol. I felt a familiar sense of childlike curiosity come back to life through these movements. I thought whatever I’m doing must be something I’m good at, because I had essentially helped myself get to a point where I no longer felt that heaviness of depression. In fact I was bursting at the seams with inspiration for the first time in my adult life which was astounding and borderline suspicious. When I was in a solid enough place to return to school I knew I wanted to change my major from marine biology to psychology. After the experiences I had with my impromptu movement practices (which were cathartic to say the least, life-changing to say the most) I spent a lot of time at the bookstore in the psychology section. I moved through reading the backs of pacifying self-help and redundant new age healing books but eventually I ended up in the right place - and brought home a small stack of Jung’s best sellers. While I originally wanted to learn about the specifics of why my body was able to release what my mind could not in such a profound way; I thought Jung’s discussions about integrating the shadow came closest to what I felt I was doing. 

Jung’s discussions about acknowledging the elements of our primordial psyche compelled me to keep digging and see how this was all linked. Just as we have primordial images that appear in our dreams as symbols within our subconscious, I believe our body stores information that we may not be able to tap into intellectually. While we may intellectually understand why we feel a certain way, and we know that we are no longer in the situation that was once threatening, this isn’t always enough if your body is still wired to be on the defensive. When we are in fight or flight mode we cannot fully feel safe in our own bodies. This is why for many people talk therapy isn’t enough. Especially for people with intense physically traumatic experiences difficult to articulate, for children who lack the words for what they feel, and for those who are neurodivergent. Trauma lives in our bodies as much as our minds, sometimes even more so for those who have been suppressing the root issues for years. Through somatic psychotherapy methods I believe people can become closer to feeling at home in their bodies.

Somatic psychotherapy is what I learned is the general term for what I had been describing previously as weirdo backyard body movement practices! The beauty of that discovery for me was understanding how tailor made these practices can be when an individual takes the proper time to explore them. With these practices people can potentially unravel and convey their own narrative through sensing into their body; potentially unlocking any closed doors to somatic experiencing and related psychological integration. Simply put - think about that f*cked up sh*t that happened to you - feel where you are holding that in your body, try to physically move it around, there is no right or wrong way, just start.  Intentional sex with a partner who has aligned desires and values that is committed to their healing counts too - it's supposed to be fun and enjoyable! You might also cry, leave the expectations at the door and embrace the uncertainty of what you will feel when you interact with what you’ve been hiding from yourself. I have been told by every person who I have known throughout my life that I seem like a different person in the years since I’ve been off of hormonal birth control and engage in regular spontaneous somatic practices.  But really I just feel like I went back to being me. It was almost like going through a second puberty honestly. By no means do I feel like a finished project, but I am certainly the healthiest I have been in over 7 years. 

By trusting the wisdom of my body and realigning with the natural cycles of my womb, my intuitive clarity and energy levels have reached new heights. I believe as women, our power lies within our womb space and it is our most important work is caring for ourselves in a way that allows us to be a clear channel for source. It has been my experience that I have been presented with better opportunities, relationships and sustained, compelling inspiration since trusting my body fully again. Women who are at home in their bodies rather than at war with them, have the energy to create new worlds for themselves and their communities. Rather than block their blessings with self doubt that is resulting from an unstable connection with source due to inner cycle disrupting pills. Again these are my personal opinions formed by lived experience. This discussion could be much more layered, going into the importance of diet, how birth control was originally invented to satiate labor force demand in a capitalist nation. That disrupting women’s cycles and their ability to rest properly according to our 28 day vs a man's 24 hour hormonal cycle slowly erodes away at the integrity of the family unit. How women being disconnected from their womb ultimately prevents a sense of self actualization. How the medicalization of women’s health issues rather than using a holistic approach addressing her concerns considering her environment, diet, attitude, habits, socioeconomic situation - is inherently violent ignorance. But again these could all be their own discussions. If you have made it to the end of this post and are curious about specific things I encountered along my journey on and off birth control, please reach out - I would love to talk with you. May we all remember the power that comes with trusting our divine vessels and find the joy we seek relentlessly!!